Monday 11th July 2016
We hear people talking about mummy guilt a lot, but what about mummy doubt?
As a mum I feel like I spend a lot of my time questioning things. Am I making the right decisons?
There is no instruction manual that comes with a baby. You can read all the pregnancy books you want, but nothing can really prepare for every aspect of being a parent. When Izze was born, neither myself or Ell had looked after a baby before – changed a nappy or anything. In the begining, we pretty much winged it and learnt as we went – and we were so lucky because Izzie was pretty much the perfect baby – she fed, she slept, she was textbook.
But as they get older, it becomes so much harder – suddenly you find yourself with a toddler, who wants to get everywhere, and then a preschooler who likes to test boundaries, and then a child who has somehow reached school age (where does the time go) and you have had to make all these choices along the way. Which nappies? Which preschool? Which school?
Izzie loved preschool, and was happy to play her way through her reception year – we went along with it, and didn’t really try to push learning on to her. Then Year 1 hit – I was suddenly worried for Izzie – she suddenly seemed to struggle a lot more than the other children, and she just didn’t want to do it. The nagging voice came into my head – i should’ve pushed her more, why didn’t we do more reading? Last September through to January was a struggle, and I questioned myself and my way or parenting so much – was it my fault she was struggling?
Fast forward to last Friday, and it was school report time. I knew we were awaiting the results of her phonics screening test – I wasn’t worried whether she had passed or failed, but I’d tried not to get my hopes up.
SHE ONLY BLOODY PASSED! With flying colours. On top of that, she had a glowing school report, and at parents evening last night, I had to fight back proud mummy tears upon being told that Izzie was a credit to both of us. I am so proud of my big girl. Her teacher said her progress this year is incredible. Her handwriting, reading and phonics skills have improved so much since the beginning of the school year. She has grown from my tiny 5lb 14oz baby into a kind, confident, happy child.
As a mum I needed to hear those things too, because it made me feel in that moment that I was doing it right. Ell must hear on a weekly basis me telling him i feel like I’m failing as a mum – having a threenanger will do that to you – and having three children is amazing but I question myself that much more. I may not have done super exciting things with my life – I haven’t been to University, I haven’t travelled, I haven’t moved away from where I grew up, but I’m raising three flipping amazing kids, and I couldn’t be prouder of that.